'Tis The Season To Be FoF'ing

A classic tale from the lips of the dear Mary Brown:

No, we did not visit cannibals for the day, we simply went to McDonald's for breakfast. My child said "Man that Christmas tree is disturbing". I turned around to find baseball sized Santa heads decorating the tree. My first thought was we had somehow been transported to the Amazon and perhaps those who came before us were decapitated and then eaten. Only their heads remain, shrunken of course, and for this festive holiday decorated to look like Santa.

Alas, we are just at McDonald's....still, Santa...I'd be careful!

<3 Mary Brown
 

My thoughts were this:

 

That's just creepy...Like a crazy Christmas pygmy village chalk full of shrunken Santa heads!

'Tis the season and all....

Keepin' It Clean and Fully Failed

Another one straight from the life and times of Mary Brown.  She really has a way of finding some gems.  Here is one of her latest and greatest FoFs:

Who knew?....

Alpaca soap....turns out it's really made from goat milk, but I digress.

One wonders how to use furry soap thankfully there are directions:

1. Get wet - Duh...isn't that the pre-requisite for any soap
2. Squeeze and message until lather forms - Squeeze? and MESSAGE....I'm not sure I'm bringing my electronics into the shower! Even if I did, who am I messaging to get this soap to work, the Alpaca?
3. Wash Body - Well, now that I've squeezed and "messaged," I do feel a little dirty
4. Rinse and set aside to dry - This probably means both the soap and your electronic device.

<3 Mary Brown

A Series Of Unfortunate Full-On Fails

Welcome to another installment of Full-On Fail.  This time we will look at a few tales of FoF woe.  These stories come from Mary Brown and me.  All of these stories are true, though, all nouns (people, places, and things) have changed.

Story #1 was provided by Ms. Mary Brown:

As Mary Brown opened her email to begin her day, she was confronted with a terrifyingly tragic event, indeed.  Her first email was from "The Family Guy", and it was riddled with countless typos and grammatical errors.  This is quite commonplace with him, but the true FoF occured when she reached his follow-up email, which read:

"Sorry I hit send bfore spell check. Howevwer, it is just wghat we were talking about ."

Well, ummm, some of the words were spelled right, correct?  "The Family Guy" (ficticious psuedonym) has been Full-On Failed.

Story #2 was also provided by Ms. Mary Brown.

Later in the day, Mary Brown's email lit up again with another FoF.  This one came from another department, but from someone who has been around long enough to know better.  She will be known, for the purposes of this story as "Busch Gardens".  Busch did not seem to remember the universal email address convention implemented by our establishment.  For those not in the "know", it is a first initial / last name convention, which has been in place since the dawn of time, AND not at all complex.  However, she (Mary Brown) received this message:

"Is 'The Water Boy' still in charge of the 'Water Filtration System'?  If so, can I please have his email address?"

"Busch Gardens" has been Full-On Failed.

Last, but not least...

Story #3 is provided to you by me.

I went for my midday tinkle break, which is quite normal, yet equally scary since a trip to the restroom can be a distressful experience.  It can be full of non-handwashers, cell phone-talkers, seat pee'ers, and the gambit of other disgustingly unhygenic hooligans.  On this occasion, however, I ran into something all together new and terrifying.  As I entered the bathroom, I was greeted by "Persons Unknown", and they stopped me from entering the stall to ask me how the faucet worked.  That's right, ladies and gentleman, I was asked how to use a pull knob faucet in a public restroom.

Mr. Bunny even knows that this was truly a travesty.  A travesty of Full-On Fail proportions.  This is why I refuse to touch much of anything in those restrooms and always use hand sanitizer once I get back to my office.

I hope this has at least entertained you and possibly made your life seem a little less serious!  You may completely laugh at the series of unfortunate FoF's that Mary and I struggle with daily!

FoF'ing Stereotypes

Just because we are in Florida...

...doesn't mean we need to have more "Cracker Jokes" or roadways feeding the stereotypes.  Let me also thank TomTom for pointing it out as well!


Happy FoF'ing Hump Day to all! =)

Allstate Doesn't Just Let Mayhem FoF You Over...

ATTENTION FELLOW FLORIDIANS!  Allstate would like to lose all of their customers in our state.  How do I know this?  Easy...

According to the representative I spoke to on the phone about them doubling my Personal Injury Protection, it is because there have been a high number of claims (many fraudulent) from this state so instead of going after those people, they are just going to raise the rates of all the loyal customers hoping that will offset their losses.

BAN ALLSTATE!!!!!

Full-On Fail | Signs

"Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. Effin' up the scenery, breakin' my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

Somehow, I think these signs bring us to a whole new level:

Yeah..ummmm..And here I thought it was Love.  The Baptists must be right?

If you have drank Budweiser, than you know this is true...

Perhaps on the West Side they do things a little differently....

Enjoy and have a great Wednesday.  I am on the move the rest of this week and I hope to have some road trip editions of FoF for you!

Who Brings a Huka to a Gun Fight?

Tonight was a night for decompression with some good company, Moundy and Box Office Smash, when this tool (of FoF proportions) brings out his "super cool" (rolls eyes) huka to a "World of Beers" bar:

Who the hell drinks beer in a wine glass, smokes a huka, and looks cool?  Definitely not him!

"Gosh, I hope nobody sees how cool I look and comes over to hang out with me..."

Too late.  He even grabbed the attention of "Gramps".

If only we could all be so cool.

Happy Monday kids!

Over the Moon Over Those Panters!

Yes, I found another sad display of team spirit.  What should have been "Panthers" was reduced to "Panters"...

-.-

In addition, you will find they went for the "G.W. (gee-dubya)" phonetic spelling of spirit.  They opted for "spirt".

I can only assume they traded all possible knowledge of the English language for all this "Panter Spirt"!

Have a wonderful rest of the weekend!

A Few Words From Proud Mary Brown

I give this post to Mary Brown:

As we were leaving Target, I caught sight of the banner above the Dollar Store Wall. $1 for steak....3.5 oz steak. If you do the math, a Quarter Pounder is 4oz, but if you "Hurry while supplies last" (That's what is written in fine print on the banner) you can get a 3.5 oz steak for a DOLLAR.

 

Do they even have refrigeration at the Dollar Store?

 

Do you think Papa John enjoys one of his drivers with a "SOGGY" sticker on the back of their car?

 

 

<3  Mary Brown

Avocado Spice FoF

This little entry came from Moundy.  I am not sure which Sushi Bar this sign came from, but it definitely was not proofread:

It is a little foggy, but I can translate this (sort of) for you:

Sushi Bar Special
Summer Roll
Inside: Salmon Tuna
Avocado Spicy Mayoness
"Indiscernible Green Writing" $10.95

Now, I am hungry for some sushi!  Hold the Mayoness, though!

Facepalms and Full-On Fails

It amazes me when people don't proofread or lack the analytical comprehension of grammar and word mechanics and still make it public.  I mean, yes, we all flub on occasion and even go back and fix it with the proverbial asterisk (*).  Here are a few examples of what make me facepalm:

 

I don't care who you are, but these make me sad and the montage below says what my words are lacking!!!

I wish you all a great evening!

Random Acts of FoF

So, during the last installment, I said that we would cover a bunch of randomness.  Some are random web goodies and others are some things I picked up along the way:

What's the weather like out there? "It's hot! Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, tell me what it feels like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?"-Robin Williams (Good Morning, Vietnam)

Very cool, but grammatically speaking, it could use a little work!

That is one sad and tired mouse right there!

May the 'Fourse' be with you....

Not sure which is the bigger bummer, the sticker or the very stereotypical red neck owner.....

...or his stereotypical red neck truck!

Worst display of road construction engineering ever!

 A little story to go with the last one.

My drive into town is completely FoF.  They have been doing road work in this area in some form or another since I was in high school, how long does it really take to make a road?!?!  Anyway, they decided to make one lane merge, the pass lane, which completely stupid because it is near a light.  During high traffic hours, you have every single d-bag in the world speeding in the merging pass lane just to, like a kindergartner, cut in line before the light.  Now, if you are one of the sad many stuck in the other lanes, which are being so rudely bottle-necked into a 30 minute "stop and go", you can imagine the road rage.  So, yes, I am failing (or FoFing) the engineers and whomever else is responsible for that hot and frustrating mess.

For now...

That is all.

Caucus on the Crapper

I sometimes think Mary Brown goes looking for this stuff.  She has, yet again, plopped herself right into another FoF.  Time to let her explain:

"I went to get my hair cut yesterday. I figured I'd potty before the event, and I headed into the bathroom.


Why?....Just tell me why there is a comfy chair in the bathroom? More importantly....why is it right across from the toilet. Who is going to caucus in the Bathroom? Please be advised this wasn't a grand bathroom. I was standing back against the door to get the picture."

<3 Mary Brown

Thanks, again, Miss Mary Brown!  Next entry is going to be a random assortment of web goodies and some randoms I have discovered!

Speedicath: Info-FoF On The Go!

This one is from my dear friend, Mary Brown:


"It's evening and I'm settling down to watch some brain candy TV. Man v. Food it is.


This commercial/infomercial comes on for Speedicath from (wait for it) Liberator Medical Supply Company. My mind begins to swirl:


1. Who is this marketed toward?
2. What in the WORLD is a Speedicath?


I listen and the questions just keep coming as the lady describes their discrete design and how you never touch the catheter itself. The questions continue:


3. Is this for those times when women can't just hop out of the car and pee when stuck in highway traffic. We can Speedicath ourselves and use the bottle our man used?
4. Is this a REAL medical problem that women with bladder issues need an infomercial for?
5. Are there closet cathers out there who just can't go into public because their current cathing tools are too bulky to take out? And YES I just made up two words in one sentence.


Then.....I get to the last page. Let me point out a few things:


1. The name of the company is Liberator Medical Supply (Liberate me from having to pee)
2. You get a FREE Compact Sample Pack with a MEMBERSHIP in the Catheter Care Program....WHAT IN THE WORLD kind of cult is this?
3. Their slogan is "You've been patient long enough". Which is why I think this is for those time that you are stuck on the highway, or there is a long line at the football game and you just can't stand it any longer. Whip out your handy dandy catheter and VOILA relief?


My head is still spinning....what is this? I'm afraid to go to the website."

<3 Mary Brown

 Well, you know me, I had to go look at the site...

On the go catheters for women on-the-go?  Perplexing and mind boggling all at the same time! =)

<3 The Happy Cynic!

Two-fer FoF

Tonight, I bring you one from me and one from Miss Mary Brown!

We will start with hers.  She has affectionately titles this one, "Publix Jukebox - You Got a Quarter?".

She further explains, "This guy was browsing the meat at Publix when I spied his coin slot peeping out of his pants. In the words of my child, 'That's disturbing'."

The next came from a quick peek at my blog tracker.  It has this neat ability to show the searches that brought them to the site in the first place.  All I have to say is, "People search for some strange things!".

Go ahead, take a look at the green searches!

That's right!  Chinese Ass Crack and Penis Statue.  Silly Canadians and Indonesians!That is all for now...

Have a great night!

Vehicular FoF...Edition...Heck, I Lost Count

We have two entries from Mary Brown.  When all else fails (no pun intended), Mary comes through in the end with some rare finds.  Her Full-On Fails go a little something like this:


"This is a shot from where I work. The parking is horrible and if there is no spot in this teeny lot we have to park a block away. Not something anyone wants to risk during the rainy season.


This guy must be saving the seat next to him for his BFF."

<3 Mary Brown

And people wonder why I drive a tiny silver lunchbox; I could totally squeeze in that!

Next on the FoF chopping block:

"Transformer car..


SWEET!"

<3 Mary Brown

Perhaps they are shooting "Transformers 4: The Dark Side of A Downsized Budget" in Fort Myers?

 Finally, the last gem comes from my drive home from work, courtesy of a red light:

Circa the 5th Grade via next gen texting lingo, Honk If U Are Horny in the dirt of that truck!

 You're welcome and have a great night!

Lost Time And The Wrong Feet

To catch up on the biggest Full-On Fail, let me start by explaining why it has taken me so long to get this thing moving.  At the beginning of July, I acquired some bizarre vestibular disturbance.  Yes, this is a huge fail for me of the most full-on proportions.  For anyone who does not know what that means, I will tell you.  It produces vertigo attacks.  LAME.

This leads me to my fail (FoF) of the day:

That's right!  It took me nearly 10 minutes of getting ready before I noticed this little difference.

While getting ready for a lunch date with Moundy, I had no idea my footwear was so Full-On Fail!  Chipped polish is just a secondary FoF! =P

Celebrity Rides to Toxic Dinnerware

This week has been full of full-on fails.  It started with a ridiculous inner ear infection that gave me the most wicked vertigo.

Not an Alfred Hitchcock type of vertigo, but more like this kind of vertigo:

However, amidst all that personal fail, I did catch a fantastically full-on fail celebrity ride!

Either a celebrity impersonator, die hard (and tragically sad) fan, or Rod Stewart is really slumming it these days

The next one came from Moundy's kid sister, "L-Word", who found these toxic dinner plates while stocking shelves at one of her many jobs.

I think these would be great if you were hosting a dinner party for the league of evil exes!

Now, last and certainly the least FoF of them all, are these edible pandas.  What kind of inhumane person serves panda?

First of all, who knew pandas were bite size and second, who knew they were filled with strawberry creme?  I guess it gives new meaning to being pink on the inside!

And that concludes this installment of the Full-On Fail for today!

A Little FoF for the Weekend!

First, we have a vehicular FoF offender for your viewing and snickering pleasure:

I found Sister Mary Catherine's car outside McDonald's today!

Pit lover!

And the second is quite local, like across the street!  We had an "epic drought", and even when the skies opened up and we began flooding, the neighbors were still watering the "watery grass"?

See the standing water and everything?!?!?!?

Well, that is all for now! Have a great weekend to all!

Pam's Cocks?

I haven't really figured out the reasoning behind this one, but I have a few guesses.  She likes or owns roosters?  She is a chef, but ran out of letters?  She is a porn star?  I dunno, you decide:

All I can say for sure is, "FoF"!

Have a great day, and stay safe and dry!

Full-On Fail Photoshop Tan From F21

To preface this posting, I receive the email coupons and updates from F21 (forever21.com) at lease 2-3 times a week.  Sometimes I look and sometimes I delete.  On this particular morning, I couldn't stop staring at the gross misuse of Photoshop to give the model a tan and I think a gloppy looking stomach.  See for yourself:

Maybe she wears a knitted turtleneck bikini top to the tanning booth?!?! Or not?!?!?!

Thank you, F21, for giving me a good chuckle this morning and something to FoF blog about!  Happy Monday to you all!

Vegetarian Breast Fail

While at my local BJ's (a laughable name, I know) with Moundy, we came acrossed these breasts.  They are thin sliced, but I am not sure how this makes them part of a vegetarian diet! =)

Yes, it is chicken, what else would I have been talking about you FoF dirty birdies?!?! =P

A Few Extras and Combo Platters

I had a few randoms lying around and I could not recall if I posted them ever.  Consider this your late lunch combination platter du jour:

How can I take you seriously when you can't punctuate properly?

Good thing I have a dog and thing business is not in my neighborhood.

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Nuts, Tapes, & CDs

I know what you must be thinking with a title like that.  Well, besides having an excuse to past my favorite YouTube link to Snoop Dogg on Crank Yankers, it also allows me to share a picture from one of our newly found visitors.

Snoop on Crank Yankers: http://youtu.be/tHxU7tgEhsA (I apologize for the full-on fail non-embed)

The latest FoF image via visitor:

Yes, you too, can have Snoop's butter toffee nuts 'Poppa D's' in your M-F-ing mouth!

Can't Have A Good Weiner Without A Boehner

Yep.  The news does amuse me!